Severus Snape Tackles Technical Support
by use2b2t2
Summary: SS/HG Pairing. What happens when Hermionie forces Severus to deal with the dreaded "Technical Support" of the muggle world. She expresses doubt and makes a wager. Completed. This is my first story
1. Chapter 1

Still not mine. JK owns it all and I do not make money off this

A/N Just a little romance/humor on what Severus would do if he were ever faced with the daunting task of contacting technical support for a computer. I changed the rating to T as I was paraniod first fic. I reviewed other T fics and mine does not match the M I originally gave it Please let me know what you think!

**SERVERUS SNAPE TACKLES TECH SUPPORT**

Severus Snape arrived through the floo to the flat that he shared with Hermione Granger now Snape. The night of the final battle convinced him to act on the feelings that he had been harboring over her since she became of age. Holding her wand out and advancing, taking down Deatheaters, her fury showing as an orange glow encompassed around her body was beautiful and frightening at the same time. It has been 3 years, and they were preparing to return fully to the wizarding world, now that the last of the rogue death eaters had been captured.

***Bang!*** Reparo!***Bang!***Reparo!***Bang!***Reparo!......

Severus stood in the doorway leading to their library, watching his witch destroy a muggle telephone and then repair it.

"Hermionie! What's going on?" Asked Severus

She whirled around, wand pointed directly at him. The wand was emitting sparks and she had that orange glow about her.

Not Good! Last time this happened he went through a month of enforced celibacy for a flippant remark. True, the remark was not the nicest and was rather demeaning and he supposed her action was justified. The make -up sex after that was incredible.

Severus backed away from her. "Now Hermionie, put down the wand and calm down." He said smoothly, holding up his hands…

"This is your fault!" Hermionie yelled, eyes glaring at Severus. She turned around and pointed at the computer.

Severus walked over. "Witch! I just got home, how can I be responsible?"

He glanced down and saw a blue screen. What was that she called this? Oh yes, the Blue Screen of Death. Yes, this usually caused Hermionie to rant at the telephone for hours.

Hermionie sighed disgustedly. "Really Severus! I just reinstalled the operating system! Less than a week and back to the same thing. along with the Conflicker virus. I mean honestly!"

Severus crossed his arms, leaning toward her "And why pray tell, would this be my fault? I hardly use the contraption anyway."

"Well, you shouldn't just click on anything that pops up on the screen…." Hermionie started.

"Well, it said that I won…."

"And the porn sites……."

"All in the interest of research and improving my technique……."

"You do not need to improve your technique…and hands on research material are available here……."

With that Severus snagged her tightly in his arms. "Hmmmm, hands on research eh?" He let his hands slide down to rest on her hips as he whispered huskily into her ear. "Is there any particular technique that needs improvement or practice, witch?"

"None that I can think of at the moment." She shuddered with pleasure as he kissed her neck.

"Indeed? But what if one was already perfect?" He lifted her into his arms and headed toward the bedroom "I do have a particular pop up to discuss with you." He laid her on the bed. Blue screens and computer issues were quickly forgotten.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Much Later……..

"How can you do that, distract me when I am angry at you?" She sighed as she finished the operating system installation on her laptop.

Severus smirked. "Well, pet. I am a potions master. I know when something needs to be stirred rather than brewed."

Hermionie picked up her bright orange book_ Operating System Software Installations for Brianiacs- Iva _Clue and sat down next him. He absently draped his arm around her shoulder. They sat quietly, each lost to their own thoughts.

Suddenly Hermionie spoke up. "I've got a solution to this whole problem."

"Oh, do tell…" Severus drawled

"You dear, are getting your own computer." She stood and paced in front of him, thinking. "You will be retiring in a year to go into business for yourself." She stopped and started to inwardly think of what Severus would need for his Apothecary/research enterprise. Oh yes! This is going to be good. Payback is sweet!

"Severus, I will not be putting your computer together when it arrives. You will have to do it yourself."

He glanced over at her laptop and shrugged. How hard could it be?

The room was then filled with her laughter. She correctly guessed what was going through his mind that it would be a breeze. He was in for a surprise.

"You don't think I can do it?!" He stated in disbelief.

She laughed again. "If it was torture, spying, or removing ridiculously large amounts of house points from Gryffindor, then yes no doubts." She looked to him. "However, muggle things have befuddled you in the past. I do not think that this would be an exception."

Time to now secure the bet that she was planning.

He stood up, disgruntled. "So, witch. No faith in your wizard, is that it?" His eyes narrowed. "Care to make a wager?"

Hermionie inwardly smirked. He was so egotistical.

She sniffed. "That would depend…."

"Fine!" He spat out. "If I win, then you will have to do a task for me, no matter what I ask. Still game?"

"As long as it does not involve hurt or torture, or getting arrested by the muggle police like last time, I'm game and make the same requirement of you."

They felt the magic swirl around them.

Soon it was time for Severus to floo back to Hogwarts for another week of teaching the dunderheads. Hermionie stood at the floo and kissed him. "When you come home Friday, wear your teaching robes. I miss the billowing"

"Minx." He whispered in her ear. He grabbed the floo powder. "Enjoy your week with the Ministry of Morons!" He was gone with a green flash.

Hermionie watched the glow fade away. She walked over to her laptop and started to order Severus's new computer. Poor wizard did not know what he was in for. She smirked again, anticipating the sweet feeling of winning the wager.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

a/n Can anybody guess what she is ordering?? I am already beginning to feel sorry for him too!


	2. Chapter 2

As always…this is JK and I do not own or make any money

***I added aome content about O/S as requested and corrected spelling of Hermione ****

Thanks for the reviews. This is the end. Any reference to any real companies or software is not intended at all. All I can say is that I wish that I had magic, as we will find out how Severus handles Technical Support. And, does Hermione wins her wager? Also, A surprise twist near the end.

Severus flooed in on Friday and ignored his study as he was sure that she was in the kitchen. His hand clutched the parchment that his witch had sent him during the week. He had marked it in the bold, red ink that she had seen in the past. He knew his wife had her own agenda.

He peeked into the kitchen. Hermione was seated at the table, engrossed in a book, hand on her cup of tea.

He entered silently, teaching robes billowing. He slammed the parchment down in front of Hermionie and leaned forward..

She jerked up heart beating wildly, spilling the tea. "I swear I will put a bell on you someday!"

"Miss. Granger!" He sneered. "I find your essay lacking on some most important points. You will have to correct this, and pay particular attention to paragraph 5"

"Oh of course, Professor Snape! Forbid that I send a sub standard assignment to you!" in her best school girl voice.

He watched her as she grabbed a blank parchment to address the red ink. As she corrected her essay, he noticed how she was dressed. While thankfully not in Hogwarts student kilt, she dressed to imply that she was a student. As a matter of fact, he had never seen her dressed like this since her school days. Hmmm, little minx was scheming.

She slid the corrections toward Severus, and stood up to fix him a cup of tea. He accepted the cup as he reviewed her corrections. Well, paragraph 5 certainly went into more detail……

"Miss Granger, I find that we will have to move forward to the practical of this essay….."

Next Morning:

Severus left his wife sleeping in bed and padded down to his study to begin putting his computer together. The amount of boxes in his study shocked him. Surely all these boxes are not part of his computer. After all, he remembered hers came in one box.

He sensed his wife walk up behind him. He turned to her and gave her a questioning look.

"Yes love, all those boxes are yours. If you need help, the number to technical support is right next to the phone." She lightly kissed him on the cheeks. "Remember, patience is a virtue." She left to go make breakfast for them.

Severus muttered to himself. He definitely walked into her trap. She was very Slytherin when it came to manipulating him by insisting there is something he cannot do. Well, he was still going to prove her wrong.

He took everything out of the boxes. There was an item that reminded him of a muggle gun, two printers, one smaller than the other, a pole display, something called a router, an external USB Hub (He scratched his head at that one), speakers, keyboard, mouse and a touch screen monitor.

Since the computer came with a diagram to connect the mouse, keyboard, speakers, and monitor, he had no issues. It was just everything else that arrived with the infernal box.

He turned it on and VISTRA loadd so slowly. He frowned on that. Then a pop up appeared on the screen asking if it was ok to continue. After that rant and being on the pointing end of Hermione's wand, there was no way he was clicking anything. He would ask technical support about it later.

Now, what was the wording of that wager? Oh yes, put it together with the aid of technical support. Can't be all bad.

He picked up the phone and dialed the number to technical support. After 45 minutes of listening to the worst music he had ever heard in his life, a voice came on. "Hi My name is Jake! How can I help you?"

Severus thought that Jake sounded Indian, and he doubted there would be Indians named Jake. His accent was so heavy that he could barely understand him. Severus pointed his wand at his body and quickly whispered a translator charm.

"Well yes, Jake. I've connected the computer and the display together and it seems to work fine except for a pop up. However, there are a couple of printers…….."

I'm sorry, I only work with computers. I will have to transfer you to our printer department. Have a nice day!" Jake replied before Severus could say another word.

"NOOOOOOO! And not that horrible music again! And if I hear that recording asking me to be patient one more time, I am going to Avada this …….."

"Am I interrupting your conversation to yourself?" asked his wife as she brought him his breakfast. She then noticed he was holding the phone.

He placed the call on speaker and proceeded to eat his breakfast. He noticed a vial on the tray she had brought in.

Hermione followed his gaze and responded "Headache potion. I figure you are going to need it by time all of this is over with."

She picked up his empty plate and teacup. "I need to go and pick up a few things in Diagon Alley. Anything you need? No, well good luck and I'll see you in a few hours" She left the room, tacky on hold music drifting from the speaker.

After about another 45 minutes on hold a voice came thru the speaker as Severus reached to pick the phone up. "Hi! My name is Jake! How can I help you?"

What! Another Jake?! How many Indians named Jake can there be? Severus curled his lip. This Jake's accent was worse than the previous one.

"Well, I was just explaining, I am having printer problems along with a pop up message."

"What is the model of the computer that you are using?" Severus wondered why he was asking about his computer if he was having printer problems. Jake started talking about looking up system specs. He did not know what that was, so asked if Jake could speak in his native tongue. Jake sounded surprised and continued in his native tongue. Severus did not understand any better.

"Oh, Mr. Snape. This is a Point of Sale system. I only do printers. Let me transfer you to POS."

"Wait!" Severus shouted into the phone. "You are printers! I have a printer problem!" He growled in frustration as he heard that unbearable on hold music once again.

He leaned down to put the call on speaker when he heard a female voice in clear English state "Thank you for calling Excellent Point of Sale Support. My name is Farrah, how may I help you?"

"Thank Merlin you speak English" He spoke into the phone. He heard a very faint chuckle on the other end.

He explained the printer not printing and provided the order number once again, explaining this is the third time transferred. She sounded sympathetic as she looked up something called contract details.

"I'm sorry Mr. Snape, I wish I could help you, but this computer was purchased with basic support, which means your printer is not covered. If it was purchased with the specific EPOS business solution I could have helped you get everything set up. It is no use sending you back to basic support, because you'll go into the vortex known as transfer hell. The best advice I can give to you is to contact the maker of the printer. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

He grated back to the voice on the other side "No, keep doing what you have been. Nothing!" He slammed the phone down. Hmm no business contract. This reeks of Hermione. His eyes narrowed.

He pulled out his wand and pointed it at the telephone

***Bang!***Reparo!***Bang!***Reparo!***Bang!*** Reparo!....

Hermione had quietly entered the flat and was now standing in the doorway of the study, watching her wizard destroy the muggle phone and repair it. Talk about déjà vu and the wearing someone else's shoes.

"Is everything all right in there?" She called.

Her husband whirled around, wand pointed directly at her. "Witch, this is your fault! Why did you not purchase the correct contract for a business set up?"

"Found that out, did you?" She softly asked.

"Yes, after three hours on the phone! I believe you did it on purpose" He snarled.

"Quite possibly. Welcome to my world every time I call that blasted number" She laughed "However, none of this changes our wager. Did you expect me to make it easy for you? Really!"

"Come, let's take a break in the living room. I've bought you a bottle of Old Ogdens Finest Firewhiskey. That will settle your nerves." He let her pull him out of the study.

He sat in the chair opposite her, swirling the amber liquor in the glass he was holding. Hermionie was quite the clever witch. He gave her point on the contract. It was something he would have done, considering the stakes. That is why he was attracted to her. Gryfindor she may be, but she practiced Slytherin tactics when it suited her. But what to do now? The instructions that came with the rest of the blasted things were unclear. He was unwilling to concede defeat. Especially after that fiasco of technical support.

Technical Support. According to the wager he could only use technical support to help him put this contraption together, and the last person, Farrah was it? sounded quite knowledgeable……

He smirked. He had the solution to this whole mess.

He looked up from the glass and noticed that his wife was watching him, taking in the predatory look on his face. Somehow she knew right then that she just lost the wager.

Severus waited until Hermione was in the library working on some Ministry papers. He cleared an area in the living room and pulled out his wand.

He had helped Professor Flitwick create a charm called Desirus. Flitwick was going to use it to search for some lost relatives. If done properly, it would bring you whatever is in your mind (if you have the right emotion attatched to it as well) when you cast the spell. The wand movements were very complicated as well. He started to practice the wand movements and clear his mind.

So lost in clearing his mind and concentrating on the charm, he did not notice that his wife had snuck back into the room and stood in the darkest corner.

He pictured clearly his computer, and focused on the voice of Farrah. He focused on how she answered the phone "Excellent Point of Sale Support." He projected the emotion he would feel (Happiness, Joy, Success, Victory) if he were able to put it together. He started the complicated wand movement and softly uttered "Desirus".

There was a large bang and a confused young woman with a headset sat half hazardly on her head was backing away using the office seat that had arrived with her.

He approached her, black robes billowing and wand still pointing at her. The new arrival looked up at him from the chair as she was desperately trying to get away.

She screamed "I've been kidnapped by a vampire and now he is pointing his stake at me!"

The chair caught up in the rug, causing the chair to fall over and the young woman's head hit the coffee table, knocking her out cold.

"SEVERUS SNAPE!" Hermione yelled as she approached her husband. "YOU CANNOT JUST GO AROUND AND KIDNAP TECHNICAL SUPPORT!"

"I do not see why not pet. The wager was using Technical Support. As you can see Technical Support is now here. I win as she will assist me."

Hermione sighed, looking defeated. "How do you know she will help?"

He smirked evilly. "Because she will have no choice."

Hermione chuckled "But did you catch what she said. She called you a vampire! If she only knew that all of your students wonder about that very fact." She laughed harder.

Severus huffed, and muttered some words under his breath. He walked over and picked the technician off the floor and laid her on the couch and ran some diagnostic charms. His eyebrow shot up at one of the readings. They came out a green glow, indicating nothing was wrong.

He looked down and took note of her blonde hair, blue jeans, and the white t-shirt stating "GEEKALICIOUS". She looked about 25. He then noticed an ID clamped to the sleeve of her shirt. It was a picture and had the name Farrah Flickwick, Excellent Point Of Sale Support. He quickly removed the ID and pocketed it.

"Witch, if you are done laughing on my account, can you make yourself useful and get over here? Perhaps your appearance will be more….settling"

Hermione walked over and sat down next to the prone girl. She pulled out he wand and intoned "Enervate"

Farrah slowly sat up with the assistance of Hermionie. She was holding her head. Wow, I must have fallen out of my chair. Wonder why my cube mates aren't laughing at me? She opened her eyes and realized she was not at EPOS, and that a very tall, pale, angry looking man with long black hair was standing over her. She started to try to get away.

"Don't worry."Hermione said. "This is my husband, Severus Snape. I can promise you that he is not a vampire, though the speculation has been brought up for years." She laughed as Farrah's posture relaxed slightly. "I'm Hermione Snape."

"I was just sitting at my cubicle on break. I was day dreaming about England and trying to locate some relatives. Then I find myself here" Farrah mused.

"Snape, Snape….Where have I heard that name before?" It clicked "You were the no contract new system right? And you called from the United Kingdom?"

Severus nodded his head affirmative.

"And I take it I am in the UK now? Can you tell me how one moment I can be in Wichita, Kansas and now here?" She shook her head. Maybe after 4 years of this job she was going crazy.

Severus spoke up as he had legilimen'd her. "No, my dear. You are not crazy. You were brought here by magic."

Hermione's face showed shock as her husband had just used a reference of magic.

Farrah scoffed. As If.

"Pet, take Miss Flitwick down to the market for a cuppa. She seems more comfortable with you. That way, she can truly say that she is not in Kansas anymore." He smirked.

Hermione gasped at the name and the reference to the muggle story "Wizard of Oz." She grabbed up her purse and pulled out her wand and transfigured her robes into muggle clothes.

Farrah stared dumbfounded. Maybe it was magic.

Hermione grabbed Farrah's hand and was out the door in a flash.

Severus pulled out the ID and looked at it thoughtfully.

Farrah was a witch.

He walked over to the floo, grabbed some powder and tossed it in "Headmistress office, Hogwart's" He stepped in and was gone in a flash of green.

_____________

At Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry……

"Minerva, I am not wrong. I casted a diagnostic spell." Severus conjured up a parchment and tapped his wand to it. "Notice the magical signature reading. And the name Flitwick is not a common muggle name." He tossed the ID onto her desk.

"Do you really think so, Severus? After all, Filius has been looking for years." Minerva whispered.

"The only way we can find out is to talk to Filius."

Minerva tossed in the floo powder and addressed herself to Professor Flitwick's floo. "Filius, I need a word with you."

"Of course, headmistress." He squeaked. "Stand aside so I may enter."

Filius entered the Headmistress office, and shook the ash of his robes. "How may I be of service, Minerva?"

She silently handed the wizard the ID badge.

Filius picked it up and examined it. His eyes grew wide with shock as he pulled out a photograph of a seven year old little girl.

There was no mistake that the little girl in the photograph was the woman pictured on the ID. His great nephew left England as Voldemort's rising placed his family in jeopardy. After all, the Flitwick family was known to be strong in charms.

"Severus! How…..?

"I am not at liberty to say, Filius. Is this your long lost relative?" Severus tried to tone down his voice.

"Yes, it is. Please let me go to my chambers and retrieve something."

He flooed back to his rooms and came back with a package.

"I do not know how you found her" Filius pleaded "But please give her this to make her decision on her own."

Severus tucked the package into his robes and looked to his colleague.

"I cannot promise her response, but I promise you I will leave this with her." With that he took the powder from the headmistress' floo and intoned "Professor Snape's flat" and was gone once more.

Minerva looked at Filius with a tear in her eye.

______________________________________________________________________________

Back at the Snape's Flat

Severus exited the floo and went to the kitchen where he found the two witches talking over tea.

As soon as Farrah saw him, she shrank away. But he only sat down at the table as Hermione handed him his cup.

"So, Farrah, what all has my delightful wife told you?"

Farrah softly laughed. "Well, I can truly say that I am not in Kansas anymore, and that I am here in the UK.. It's also a shock that magic exist."

"However, your wife was most adamant telling me that I should not help you, because you kidnapped me."

"Really?" He intoned as he sipped appreciably at his tea. "Did she tell you why?"

"Not really, except that if she was in my situation, she would not do it and demand that I return back to Kansas."

Hermione really should have been sorted in Slytherin

Severus smirked and told Farrah about the wager.

"And she did this purposely to you?" Farrah asked.

"Oh, most definitely" Severus silkily replied back.

"Your wife seems knowledgeable in the way of computers."

"Oh, yes. My wife is the brightest witch of her age"

"I hate customers being led astray. Show me your set up and I will help you." She glared at Hermionie. She liked the woman, but Farrah especially hated taking calls that she could not help.

"But of course my dear." He smirked at Hermionie as he led Farrah to the study. He won.

Farrah tuted to herself as VISTRA loaded. It was abnormally slow for the retail package. She glanced at the order detail laying next to the computer and shot a glare at Hermione, who was standing meekly at the door to the study, liking like a child with her hand caught in the cookie jar.

She had everything set up in twenty minutes and ordered an upgrade to 4 gig of memmory.

____________________________________________________________________________

Back to Kansas

Severus appaarted with Farrah to EPOS and they made their way back to her cube. He frowned, this looked worse than prison. He whispered an incantation that made her unconscious for a set time and set a notice me not spell.

He placed Professor Flitwick's package on her desk along with her ID. He also added airline tickets of his own with a note.

"If you ever discover that you are not happy in Kansas anymore, and want to visit OZ, please call this number. Your family is waiting for you."

He sighed. If this ever got out his git reputation was done for.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Farrah awoke back in her cube. That was one hell of a dream! She was surprised that no one noticed she was sleeping.

She looked down and saw what was on her desk. There was a box, and she opened it up. There were pictures of the parents she vaguely remembered, as they died in a car accident years ago, and she was left as a ward of the state.

Wait a minute! Those pictures were moving!

She then picked up the note and read it. She picked up the tickets.

It wasn't a dream!

She grinned as she picked up her badge and headset. She walked toward her manager's cube to start a tornado of fury and pent up frustration of her own. After all, isn't that was how one traveled to Oz?

______________________________________________________________________________

Severus apparated back to his flat, bellowing for his wife.

"Wife, time to fulfill your task!"

Hermione walked up to him and placed her arms about his waist.

"And wizard, what task is that? " She whispered seductively in his ear.

"I want a gourmet meal, tonight! Preferably roast duck." Severus told her as he smiled at her.

His witch was good for cooking breakfast, but not much else in the way of cooking complicated meals. He noticed the look on her face and she could hear his laughter as he walked away toward his study.

Well! she thought to herself. Two can play at this game.

"Desirus!"

Gordon Ramsey appeared in her living room. The only words out of his mouth was "Fucking Hell!!"

A/N Sorry long chapter but I wanted to end it. Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
